Your Child's Break

My husband, who can spend vast amounts of time online conducting his multi-tentacled business endeavors often brings him through the house on what he calls "his union break". Although what he does is not dictated by any labor agreement, he grabs one of the most important things the labor movement has given us: the organized break. It doesn't amount to much - a cup of coffee, a brief moment in the sun, turning on the TV to check the direction of the markets or some banal talking head giving their opinion. It lasts for about twenty minutes or so and it is back to his upstairs office for another marathon session.

Your child needs the same type of break from learning his/her three Rs. We fondly call it recess.

Dr. Stuart Brown, a psychiatrist in Carmel Valley, Calif., has collected more than 6,000 “play histories” from human subjects. The founder of the National Institute for Play, he works with educators and legislators to promote the importance of preserving playtime in schools. He calls play “a fundamental biological process.” “From my viewpoint, it’s a major public health issue,” he said. “Teachers feel like they’re under huge pressures to get academic excellence to the exclusion of having much fun in the classroom. But playful learning leads to better academic success than the skills-and-drills approach.”

The best pre-schools recognize this as key to the refreshment of young minds. Idle creativity and improvised play are a huge part of your child's refreshment mechanism. And while we do work on numbers and reading and learning how to write (in the right direction), their young minds are often uncooperative. This is not a learning disability but a need for recess.

Now recess at school is different than downtime at home. While children should have a limited amount of TV time, finding educational programs (and watching them with your child) can constitute learning and if that is the case, they will need a break. This doesn't mean switching the channel to the cartoon network. It means turn the TV off and let the imagine, play with their inner brain and relax without programmed distractions. This wandering is not only healthful for them but in far to many instances, it should be practiced by you as well.

On a personal note, I received a phone call from my daughter-in-law the other day. She was calling to relay a message our grandchildren had spoke of. The television was off, the music was playing in the background and they were reading. The youngest commented: "Hey, this is just like Nana and Papa's house!" How much downtime is your house giving your child? How much are giving yourself?

PreSchool Parenting: Strict Parenting is Consistent Parenting

Amy Wang of the Oregonian posed this question: "Are you a strict parent?"  She is the assistant features editor at the Oregonian and mother herself of two young boys.  It is a difficult question with unpredictable results.

It is in our natures to project into the future.  The only problem is we are not so good at predicting into the distant future.  Near future maybe, but predicting what will happen years from now is not within our scope of skills.  No, Moms and Dads may have been born with eyes in the back of their heads (something that we claim is for watching our child when we aren't facing them but is more often used to question our judgement in hindsight) but their ability to determine which action will make their child a better citizen is simply not possible.

Instead, we should shoot for short-term results that builds gradually.  This is how discipline works.  We call it strict parenting for two reasons.  It lays the boundaries of tolerable behavior and allows you to enforce those rules because of the relationship: parent to child.  But what is strict and how does it affect the relationship?

Numerous studies point to the fact that strictness is actually a good way to build a stronger relationship with your child.  But first, consider your relationship with your parents.  Was it lenient and free flowing or were you forced to live under unreasonable guidelines such as curfews and regular bedtimes?  Did your mother seem more like your friend or someone who was authoritative yet approachable (unapproachable would be not so good to align with authoritative)?  

Whatever you relationship with your parents was, you will more than likely cherry pick some of the best qualities from their experience raising you, filter them and test them out your offspring. .  One of the best skills we possess is the ability to selectively mimic what we see as a good idea, when we acknowledge to ourselves, "this might work" and it doesn't much matter where we get it.  Your parents might not be a good template but if they are, draw on some of their best traits and adopt them.  Just remember, they didn't have much of a handbook to go on either

Strictness is more like consistency when it is done correctly.  You instruct a child on what you think is best and stand your ground.  You do not allow temper tantrums to sway you.  You do not allow comparisons to dissuade your decision (this will come later and make you feel like you are an inadequate parent) and do not let them see you flinch.  

This is also far from what would be considered by social scientists as authoritative rule where there is no leniency, no delicate balance that allows the child to make an argument that might make sense.  But keep in mind, this comes later after the child has found that their happiness and success is all that concerns you.  That their safety and health is really the reason you make them do the things they might not be so anxious to do. Preschoolers are just beginning to test those boundaries and rules and do not necessarily understand what you are trying to achieve.

Once the basis for such things as bedtimes and curfews is established though, structuring homework, dinnertimes and activities are taken for granted.  

I simply don't like the word strict.  I prefer consistent.  Consistent parents have taken the time to decide what is best and are willing to carry through, consistently.  They have tapped their inner "I know what's best" gene and are listening to it.  And at the same time, they are listening to their child and adapting as time moves on.  Consistency is more a state of general well-being, a familiarity with what to expect.  

Applying for Daycare: What I Look for in Parents

As Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton, British politician, poet, critic and prolific novelist, 1803-1873 once said, “There is nothing so agonizing to the fine skin of vanity as the application of a rough truth.” To often, that vanity applies itself through the rose-colored world we see our children in. And while it is a noble and excusably parental right to believe that your children are, for all intents and purposes, the newly born saviors of the world – at least some day, the harsh realities often take a big bite out of that fantasy.

Consider your application to Daycare/pre-school. The process of applying often follows a search, which unfortunately can be mind-numbingly repetitive. Mt peer group often uses the premise of daycare as an easy way to make money. These are the babysitters, so to speak, the ones who will do drop-in, allow the children numerous hours of television viewing and for the most part, endless hours of play.

But you want more for your children – if you can afford it and you look for some education – albeit flexible – and some structure. And when you find it, you feel as though the long quest has ended. Your child will now be amongst those who will exceed expectations. But the search has left you with a problem. Is your child the right age, the right temperament, and more importantly, and this may come as a surprise, are you the right parents?

Every kid possesses a certain innocence for the world around him or her. As parents, you feel as though it is your obligation to shape that world. To do that, you need not only firm control over who you are, but control over that world. You are often unwilling to compromise those principles and will encourage the world to bend to your specific needs.

And often, this places you and your child in a sort of self-styled religious bubble. And it might be religion that puts you there but just as often, it is your lifestyle that gets in the way of making concessions to this wildly diverse world around you.

Over the years, I have had a few families that professed veganism. This movement has created numerous lines in what would have been an otherwise civil society. These people have a solid belief in what they eat, how they live, and how they perceive the world to be. Because they are not conforming to the world around them, they are forced to find people who aspire to the same type of lifestyle. Hence the bubble.

As adults, you can fluidly move from a situation that disagrees with your philosophy to one that accepts what you believe. But one day, your child will sit next to someone eating a bologna sandwich and wonder why they can’t eat meat. You can walk away from those omnivorous beasts but your child, as children often do, will wonder why can’t they have a meal with meat.

For parents looking to apply for a daycare/pre-school situation, there are three things you must keep in mind:

First: You are applying for a guardian/educator for your child and although you are looking at the surroundings, what the little school has to offer, and whether you can see your child in such a setting, I am looking at you and asking: “can I work for you?”

Second: When joining a small group, the dynamics, the chemistry and age are critical to not only your child – who will in almost every situation form quick friends and allies, you will often not see the situation the same way. You will want more than the group has to offer, forcing your lifestyle on the group. And by law, I am supposed to accommodate special needs, I have limits to what I can and will accept.

Third: This is my business. I have right to refuse service to anyone and if I determine that you are not the right one, show some maturity and accept this as another obstacle to your way of life. Children are conformists but parents often are not. And unfortunately, neither am I.

Your daycare/pre-school provider is a default parent for your child often for the better part of fifty hours over a given week. I will influence them, teach them and nurture them. I will not be you, espouse your views of the world, or conform to what you believe in. Sure, I’ll give them special diet needs (organic milk or soy milk for instance) and I will keep them from some entertainment influences. But I can’t enforce your lifestyle on other parents nor will I attempt to on your behalf.

It may seem like you are interviewing me but in fact, I am looking at you as a client that may or may not want to work for you.