Kids and Bullying

We all know one. We all understand how it feels to be on the receiving end of what KidsHealth.org describes as: "Bullying is intentional tormenting in physical, verbal, or psychological ways."

We all know what it was like just twenty, thirty or forty years ago when such action took place. We were told to retaliate, to fight back and to forcefully and often with force, rebuff the bully as best we can. A scene from Christmas Story set in the fifties illustrates the gratification and almost instant remorse when Ralphie confronts his tormentors.



There is a good chance that your child will be bullied at some point. Even the ones who seem aggressive to others may have the tables turned by still older kids when they reach school. There are certain things you can do as a parent of a pre-schooler that will help your child get though this period - and it is often just that, a stage, a phase or a brief period of time. How they react to the bully will influence how long the bullying actually lasts.

For instance, if you suspect your child has been bullied - and believe me, it can happen incredibly fast and often be unbelievably brief, here are some suggestions for you as a parent.

Bullies thrive on your child being upset. In a pre-school setting, where the group is often small, some of these techniques may not work. But now is the time to practice with your child. Michelle New, PhDClinical Child Psychologist, Kentlands Kids, in Gaithersburg, MD suggests that the child "Practice not reacting by crying or looking red or upset. It takes a lot of practice, but it's a useful skill for keeping off of a bully's radar. Sometimes kids find it useful to practice "cool down" strategies such as counting to 10, writing down their angry words, taking deep breaths or walking away. Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to wear a "poker face" until they are clear of any danger (smiling or laughing may provoke the bully)."

She also believes that best method is to "Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop, then walk away." This will take practice and may not make any sense to your child now but later, it will definitely help with the problem.

Fight back with words although not to the bully. tell your child to tell an adult. Some states, bullying is actually against the law and the bully's parents are responsible for their child's behavior. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all help stop bullying.


The key is to talk about it.

Another idea that may help is getting your child interested in outside group activities that build confidence or skills that make them feel more comfortable in public settings.

Kids and the Dark Side of (Aggressive) Behavior

Consider this: "Individuals with unrealistically positive self-perceptions are viewed as particularly vulnerable to receiving social information that may threaten their high self-esteem and increase the likelihood of aggressive behavior because of the extremely positive nature of their self-perceptions."

We want our child to perceive themselves as a member of society. And when that perception carries over into a pre-school setting, manifesting itself as bullying, we are shaken to the core. "Not my kid" is often the reaction from parents who receive reports of this kind of behavior. The problem lies mostly in the child's ability to understand what they are doing.

Often, the child will exhibit aggression when they perceive that they can do anything and do it well. Assuming that the child does not suffer from a disorder such as ADHD, the behavior the child demonstrates can be linked to several distinct possibilities.

1. Poor supervision
2. Harsh or erratic discipline
3. Parental disharmony
4. Rejection of the child
5. Low involvement in the child's activities
6. Lack of encouragement and reinforcement of polite or considerate behavior in the child, combined with giving attention and reinforcement to the child when he yells or throws a tantrum.

While tantrums are somewhat different than actual bullying, the behavior is often manifested in similar ways. According to KidsHealth.org: "A child wants a sense of independence and control over the environment — more than the toddler may be capable of handling. This creates the perfect condition for power struggles as the child thinks "I can do it myself" or "I want it, give it to me."

Unfortunately, aggressive behavior in your child may have something to do with how you react to aggression. Here is short checklist of some behaviors your child may be unwittingly picking up from you:

1. You must win an argument, no matter what the cost.

2. Walking away from a dispute, even if it doesn't really affect your life, is a sign of weakness.

3. Compromising to settle a disagreement is a loss you can't live with.

4. "Real men" are aggressive, and it is important to encourage aggressive behavior in sons.

5. "Real women" are submissive and dependent, and shouldn't protect themselves from abuse, and daughters should learn to defer to the men in their lives.

Good news is that most experts in the field judge this behavior as temporary. "Starting around 8 years old, children's self-perceptions become more accurate (i.e., congruence between self-perceptions and objective indicators) as children increase in their awareness of areas of incompetence and become better judges of their functioning."

Next up: A look at the passive child who must deal with aggression.