PreSchool Parenting: Strict Parenting is Consistent Parenting

Amy Wang of the Oregonian posed this question: "Are you a strict parent?"  She is the assistant features editor at the Oregonian and mother herself of two young boys.  It is a difficult question with unpredictable results.

It is in our natures to project into the future.  The only problem is we are not so good at predicting into the distant future.  Near future maybe, but predicting what will happen years from now is not within our scope of skills.  No, Moms and Dads may have been born with eyes in the back of their heads (something that we claim is for watching our child when we aren't facing them but is more often used to question our judgement in hindsight) but their ability to determine which action will make their child a better citizen is simply not possible.

Instead, we should shoot for short-term results that builds gradually.  This is how discipline works.  We call it strict parenting for two reasons.  It lays the boundaries of tolerable behavior and allows you to enforce those rules because of the relationship: parent to child.  But what is strict and how does it affect the relationship?

Numerous studies point to the fact that strictness is actually a good way to build a stronger relationship with your child.  But first, consider your relationship with your parents.  Was it lenient and free flowing or were you forced to live under unreasonable guidelines such as curfews and regular bedtimes?  Did your mother seem more like your friend or someone who was authoritative yet approachable (unapproachable would be not so good to align with authoritative)?  

Whatever you relationship with your parents was, you will more than likely cherry pick some of the best qualities from their experience raising you, filter them and test them out your offspring. .  One of the best skills we possess is the ability to selectively mimic what we see as a good idea, when we acknowledge to ourselves, "this might work" and it doesn't much matter where we get it.  Your parents might not be a good template but if they are, draw on some of their best traits and adopt them.  Just remember, they didn't have much of a handbook to go on either

Strictness is more like consistency when it is done correctly.  You instruct a child on what you think is best and stand your ground.  You do not allow temper tantrums to sway you.  You do not allow comparisons to dissuade your decision (this will come later and make you feel like you are an inadequate parent) and do not let them see you flinch.  

This is also far from what would be considered by social scientists as authoritative rule where there is no leniency, no delicate balance that allows the child to make an argument that might make sense.  But keep in mind, this comes later after the child has found that their happiness and success is all that concerns you.  That their safety and health is really the reason you make them do the things they might not be so anxious to do. Preschoolers are just beginning to test those boundaries and rules and do not necessarily understand what you are trying to achieve.

Once the basis for such things as bedtimes and curfews is established though, structuring homework, dinnertimes and activities are taken for granted.  

I simply don't like the word strict.  I prefer consistent.  Consistent parents have taken the time to decide what is best and are willing to carry through, consistently.  They have tapped their inner "I know what's best" gene and are listening to it.  And at the same time, they are listening to their child and adapting as time moves on.  Consistency is more a state of general well-being, a familiarity with what to expect.