You want them to rush through childhood as get to the top of the class before the rest of the children are even reading Suess. You begin eyeballing career paths and the schools that will get them there. But your child has other ideas. And so do the schools that cater to these types of parents. Your child must be potty trained, they insist and they do so for good reason. They do not want to touch your child.
These institutes of higher learning don't really do more for your child than the best in-home daycare/preschool can provide (small groups with individual attention, learning at a pace that suits the child not the curriculum, and most importantly, the ability to play with different age groups - at this stage, even six months difference in ages can mean a world of interesting social discoveries) but parents get hung up on the social pressures of their own peer groups. It is understandable and forgivable.
So the race begins to push your child to potty train. And as I have mentioned, your child has other ideas. This process is not cookie-cutter by any stretch of the imagination. It requires a child who interested - "Mom, I want to be changed" or "Dad, what are you doing in there" to waking up dry after a night's sleep. These magic moments signal a readiness that is not bounded by a specific age. But rather a specific nature.
Once this interest begins, it is best to not get too excited that your diaper days are numbered. Kids are fickle and can be encouraged. But once this turns into a battlefield, you will have many more problems than successes.
In an in-home preschool/daycare situation, the peer pressure of watching older kids line-up after snack/lunch/nap can begin the process. The in-home teacher can offer assistance in the process. But the bottom line: if you are not committed to the effort, your child will lapse, falter and you will be discouraged.
Here's the tips:
Once your child shows the interest - the child, not you - be prepared to look for a bathroom in every store you visit, every event you attend, and every house you visit. Knowing where these are saves time, stress and energy. Be prepared to abandon your cart, your lunch, your seat in order to get the child to the restroom as soon as possible. That's the out-of-doors advice.
At home, over a relaxing weekend, put your child on the toilet every twenty minutes or so. Leave them with a book or a toy but give them their privacy - at least enough so they think they are alone. Keep checking back every few minutes asking about their progress. If it is not happening, it won't - just then. The time frame is arbitrary. You will know how long your child can stay dry and use that as a baseline for their bladder and bowel control.
Third tip: rewards work. Small ones like stickers or piggy banks can be something that works - for a while. You know your child best. But give them something really rewarding - like a piece of candy when they go, two for wiping up afterwards, three for a successful number two event, and you will find the process evolving a little more quicker.
Fourth tip: praise, praise and more praise. Heaping it on makes your child feel like the center of attention and this should be standard for even the smallest of accomplishments. But when it comes to potty training, nothing can be more important.
Do you need an insert, a potty chair or other device to make the process easier? I don't think so. You can accomplish the same feat without one. Those products are more for the pushy parents who wants their child going on their schedule.
Fifth tip: Your child will forget she/he has to go. This can be a traumatic moment in the process of developing responsibility. If they simply were playing and failed to estimate the distance to the bathroom, explain to them why they need to stop what they are doing and how important it is to go like a big girl or boy. And let them change their own wet clothing. Help but they need to know that you didn't have the accident - they did and changing soiled clothing is not your problem.
Sound harsh? You are building independence of thinking and action and the consequences of not thinking and failing to act cannot be mitigated by your accommodating the process by reassuring that it is okay, accidents will happen, and "here, let me help you".
Sixth tip: Once out of diapers, they are OUT OF DIAPERS for good. There is no going back. No partial diapers for your convenience. No overnight protection. Pull-ups are okay. But there should never be any straddling of the lines in this process. This is why we wait for the right moment and not the one of your choosing.
Seventh tip: Number one is easy; number two however can be quite different and take a good deal longer to accomplish. Potty training can take a weekend to explain and several months to successfully complete the process. Perhaps longer.
Is there an optimum age to begin? By three they should have expressed an interest. If not, you can begin the conversation. If you child is a dreamy sort, engrossed in his own world of play and imagination, the process might take some extra effort. If your child is the analytical type, mature (not just articulate and smart) and focused, the process might be much easier.
Know your child. Do they like to sneak off to have a bowel movement in a private space? Note the time of day and begin sitting them on the potty more frequently around that time. If your child wakes up dry, get them on the pot right away and encourage them to do it there.
Your child's age does have a small role in the success of your potty training efforts but by and large, it will be their interest, your patience and consistency and the support of everyone the child has contact with (daycare, preschool, relatives) to make the whole process work.
Probably the harshest reality of the process is the amount of control your child has over when and how well they do. In many instances, this a parent's first encounter with you as support for another human being with a mind of their own!
Good luck.
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