Kids and the Dark Side of (Aggressive) Behavior

Consider this: "Individuals with unrealistically positive self-perceptions are viewed as particularly vulnerable to receiving social information that may threaten their high self-esteem and increase the likelihood of aggressive behavior because of the extremely positive nature of their self-perceptions."

We want our child to perceive themselves as a member of society. And when that perception carries over into a pre-school setting, manifesting itself as bullying, we are shaken to the core. "Not my kid" is often the reaction from parents who receive reports of this kind of behavior. The problem lies mostly in the child's ability to understand what they are doing.

Often, the child will exhibit aggression when they perceive that they can do anything and do it well. Assuming that the child does not suffer from a disorder such as ADHD, the behavior the child demonstrates can be linked to several distinct possibilities.

1. Poor supervision
2. Harsh or erratic discipline
3. Parental disharmony
4. Rejection of the child
5. Low involvement in the child's activities
6. Lack of encouragement and reinforcement of polite or considerate behavior in the child, combined with giving attention and reinforcement to the child when he yells or throws a tantrum.

While tantrums are somewhat different than actual bullying, the behavior is often manifested in similar ways. According to KidsHealth.org: "A child wants a sense of independence and control over the environment — more than the toddler may be capable of handling. This creates the perfect condition for power struggles as the child thinks "I can do it myself" or "I want it, give it to me."

Unfortunately, aggressive behavior in your child may have something to do with how you react to aggression. Here is short checklist of some behaviors your child may be unwittingly picking up from you:

1. You must win an argument, no matter what the cost.

2. Walking away from a dispute, even if it doesn't really affect your life, is a sign of weakness.

3. Compromising to settle a disagreement is a loss you can't live with.

4. "Real men" are aggressive, and it is important to encourage aggressive behavior in sons.

5. "Real women" are submissive and dependent, and shouldn't protect themselves from abuse, and daughters should learn to defer to the men in their lives.

Good news is that most experts in the field judge this behavior as temporary. "Starting around 8 years old, children's self-perceptions become more accurate (i.e., congruence between self-perceptions and objective indicators) as children increase in their awareness of areas of incompetence and become better judges of their functioning."

Next up: A look at the passive child who must deal with aggression.